Infidelity as an act is condemned, more than understood. It is often derided as an outcome of an insatiable lust or a polygamist psyche. As we started working on a research project to find out why people engage in infidelity, my research team and I had it very clear that we would look at the infidel as a person with unfulfilled needs, a misunderstood individual who was led by certain circumstances to get involved with someone other than the one he/she was committed to. What was even more shocking was the fact that ‘Infidelity is universal’; it starts at a mental level, develops at an emotional level and may or may not manifest itself in the physical sense.
Infidelity as an occurrence has been prevalent in our society for ages. Quite often, the doings of the infidel were a secret locked up within the household. It is only in recent times that acts of infidelity are coming out in the open. Infidelity on the mental and emotional levels is more ubiquitous than ever before. What has changed that has led to this present state? The answer lies in the rise of the internet and technology that has posed new challenges to couples today. Internet population around the world has grown exceptionally fast over the last 20 years. Millions of such users are married individuals who use the internet to meet strangers, flirt, and even to engage in sexual conversations.
The easy connectivity across the world has opened up new vistas to meet ‘The One’, as it has increased the chances to meet ‘The Other One’. The rise of websites like Ashley Madison and sex chat rooms has given chances to people even in committed relationships to engage in acts of infidelity online and offline. A new concept of a ‘cyber affair’ has emerged over a year, where things range from cybersex (sharing sexual fantasies in online discussions) accompanied by sexual self-stimulation, to emotional acts where people disclose intimate information to someone other than their ‘significant other’. A new type of sexual activity online is when two people’s avatars engage in sexual activity on virtual reality platforms such as The Sims or Secondlife. Is that infidelity towards the one you’re supposedly committed to? Yes it is.
Not classifying this act as infidelity just because it does not involve physical contact would be highly wrong, as my research points out that this is on a mental level of infidel behaviour. So is this wrong? Well, you ‘cheat’ on your partner. Of course it’s wrong! But should it be condemned? That’s the tricky part.
This fact might be very difficult to digest but the way the world looks at someone who has committed infidelity needs to change. We need to reverse this thought, and my research presented me with some incredible cases to strengthen this idea.
If a person commits an act of infidelity, does it mean that he is not in love with his existing partner anymore? May be. May be not. In a marriage, infidelity usually occurs when the wife is pregnant, when couples begin to settle down and have kids. Responsibilities take over but the romance may just vanish. A lot of women complain about a lack of romance, but men feel it, too. Suffering in silence, they start believing they can't get what they want from their spouses, and begin to find it outside the house, mostly at their workplace. That does not mean they don’t love their spouse any more.
In fact, there are even instances where men and women engaged in infidelity to ‘save their marriage’. They love their spouse, but they don't know how to fix their relationship problems, so they go outside their marriages to fill any inadequacies to avoid a violent confrontation with their spouse. Succumbing under family pressure was another reason that we came across in one of the most disturbing cases from an interview. So that doesn't necessarily mean that infidelity is characterised by an absence of love.
Often, such people hate themselves after infidel affairs. We mostly think of cheaters as people without morals, but while they may like what they did, they tend to despise themselves after their actions. It takes a toll on every part of their psyche and makes them feel like garbage, provided they put their ego aside. So for those who think infidelity is a habit, it might not always be the case.
Insecurity of the spouse can also lead to their partner committing infidelity. But that is not a characteristic of infidel behaviour. It is, if anything, a result of disappearance of love with the absence of trust in the relationship. Every relationship is based on trust, and if that itself is absent, then there is no relationship in the first place. That would question the very existence of infidelity. Is that infidelity? No! There is no relationship to betray in the first place.
All said and done, this leaves us with another question: Is it always that the spouse is to blame if his/her partner cheats on him/her? Absolutely not! If your spouse is unfaithful, it's not your fault. When someone commits infidelity, he or she is making a conscious choice to do so. It is very easy to blame the other half of the relationship for ‘pushing’ you into someone else’s arms, but that after all, is an expression, not a reality. It is not because of who your spouse is that you cheat, it is because of what you’re not that you do so. It is therefore advisable that both the partners recognize any signs of disconnection, work towards rebuilding the relationship, and if all else fails, call it quits before the repercussions get the best of them.
Infidelity is imbibed in human nature. If you feel unwanted, undervalued and taken for granted, your personal needs of being wanted, valued and appreciated will eventually win over any promises you had made in your relationship. Often, this is used as a trap by corporates that provide individuals with avenues to “cheat”, give vent to their unfulfilled wants, and what follows is a turbulent relationship, a lengthy litigation, and for the unfortunate ones, a heavy alimony payment. TV shows and articles that admonish the infidel are doing the rounds lately. This has strengthened the disgust with which people look at an infidel. It is therefore most important to see the infidel as a normal person with needs, wants, aspirations and insecurities as all of us.
All this might seem great on paper, given the facts and real life cases to support it. But what we are faced with now is even more violent. How would we react if we had an infidel partner? It will come in handy to consider here that the brain, the mind, and the individual are three separate entities. However difficult this may be to digest, the sole purpose of the brain is survival, and that of the mind if to use our past experiences to aid the brain in its duty of helping us survive. The brain is analytical. It stores data and uses it to influence our actions. Then who are we? We are intuition. The little voice that crops up first when we are faced with something, only to be muffled by the clamour of the brain, is what we truly are.
After explaining this, what would my brain do if I have an infidel partner, and what would I do? As for the brain, all things go against my partner. He/she has betrayed my trust. Despite me being loyal in the relationship, he/she was not. What kind of a person does that? It takes ages to build up trust and mere seconds to destroy it. I would rather not trust this person again than have my faith in love shattered again.
My brain will begin connecting every action of my partner to the infidel act(s) he/she has committed in the past, and the farce will grow stronger. Even if I forgive him/her, I will not forget, and this will impact the way I look at him/her in everything he/she does in future.
Let’s come to that little voice of intuition now. Did he/she do it because I was too pushy or inadequate? Doesn’t it question my part as his/her partner? Did I do enough? What would I have done had I been in his/her place? All these questions will find different answers in all of us, and this will lead us to believe how an infidel person is a result of circumstances, not some insatiable, immoral person without any regard for human emotions. For all we know, the infidel may have more regard for human emotions than any of us.
When we ask ourselves whether we should forgive the infidel or not, we should in fact ask ourselves if we’re in the position to ‘forgive’ in the first place. Wouldn’t we have craved for that second chance that we’re now confused whether to give or not? All this lies in the distinction between the brain and the individual. The moment we look at the infidel without angst, it becomes a different ball game all together.
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